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Apples and their uses in intercourse - An Essay

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When I was a small child, I lived in a peaceful urban neighborhood. I went to school every day, and steadily progressed in my goal of becoming a successful full-time wealthy male stripper, with my signature Meat Helicopter move. Alas, that was not to be, for in my 37th year of highschool I was violently assaulted by the government's paid mercenaries, known as the Personalspace On Leg Invader of Colon and Ears, or police. After that tragic incident, they locked me away in prison for molesting many highschoolers in the district, who, I might add, willfully consented, but the judge had no sympathy.

I digress. The prison I was confined to was located near a luscious orange jungle, and I lived on oranges 24/7. I woke up, ate oranges, participated in my daily routine of passing waste, having fun with my "prison wife" while passing waste, getting stabbed, stabbing others, passing more waste, creating complex narcotics out of my own waste, selling them, getting rich in "prison wives", investing said prison minions into more minions, acquiring a large empire, fighting another large empire with my own multi-empire domain, and finally, after the tear gas settled and the blood washed down the culverts, I would pass one final voluptuous log, and go to sleep.

When I slept, I dreamed of apples. I was never allowed to partake in the prison's apple stash, for although they were very common and easy to procure considering we were near an orange jungle, which produces apples, they were always consumed before I finished my daily multi-block prison riot war.

One day after a raid, after I had rectally conquered the enemy empire's prison wives, I found a large bag of apples. Intrigued, and because I had never seen an apple before, I promptly shoved one forcefully into the nearest anus of one of my prisoners.
The result looked very similar to this:
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I learned that day that apples are nature's anus-expanders, and to this day I carry 4 or 5 of the succulent fruits within my rectal cavity.

-Harold

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